Conan the Politician

It’s sometime in 2006, AP Government. Mostly bored out of my mind. As a review of the U.S. legislative system, we had to write up how a bill becomes law, incorporating a list of key terms. This is what I turned in. Thankfully, my teacher appreciated the dose of creativity.

In the land of Cimmeria, chaos reigned. The Hyborian Age, which began shortly after Atlantis sunk into the sea, had not been good to the people of Cimmeria. Countless factions and neighboring nations tore the land apart, each vying for control over a feudal world of poverty, famine and death. The people wept and cried out for a better life.

But the cries did not go unanswered. Out of the hills came a man named Conan, his head filled with revolutionary ideas and hope for a united land ruled by the people, not terrible despots.

Among Conan’s new ideas was the notion of democracy. Years later, the Greeks would mimic this system and claim it as their own.

The people, tired of oppression and despotism, came to Conan’s side and staged a spectacular revolution, taking Cimmeria as their own. And unto this new democratic nation, Conan bestowed three branches of government, the Executive, the Legislative and the Judicial.

Conan, quickly elected as Cimmeria’s first president, set about establishing the Congress, the law-making body of the land. Once Congress convened for the first time, Conan, now known to the world as Conan the Politician, turned his attention to the nation’s first bill.

The public bill, which would apply to the nation as a whole, was introduced in the House of Barbarians, and contained provisions to ensure the free reign of hand-held weapons in Cimmeria. The Speaker of the Barbarian House referred the bill to the Weapons Standing Committee, which in turn handed it to the Hand-Held Weapons Subcommittee to consider the bill.

The committee had five choices: Pass the bill favorably; refuse to report the bill; report the bill in amended form; report the bill unfavorably; or report a new, substitute bill. Conan the Politician took in each step of the process with great interest; he could not imagine a world in which no one was allowed to carry weapons in public.

But alas, the committee decided to report the bill with an amendment, adding that only battle-axes would be allowed worn in public. This was no non-germane amendment, and Conan, a swordsman himself, was infuriated. His eyes seethed with malice, and he could not wait to veto the bill.

After the committee finished its work, the Barbarian Rules Committee gave the bill an open rule status, keeping the bill open to debate and amendments. The bill then proceeded to floor action. As there were no other bills on the calendar, the Speaker of the Barbarian House and Barbarian House Majority Leader decided to have the bill debated on immediately.

The debating began, majority and minority whips gauged support for the bill, and with a quorum — majority of representatives — present, the voting commenced. With electricity decades away, voting was done by voice. The “Ughs” called out for the bill, while the “Oogs” said no. Much to Conan’s ire, the bill passed without revision, and moved to the Cimmerian Senate.

The bill moved through the Senate quickly, following many of the same steps as in the Barbarian House. But once the debating began, trouble arose. Two distinct factions emerged within the Senate. The majority wanted to pass the bill, while the minority wanted the no-swords amendment removed. The result: Barbarian filibuster. Typical filibuster is used to talk a bill to death, but the barbarians of Cimmeria were not quite as advanced. Instead, a wrestling match ensued, preventing the vote from taking place. A few barbarians managed to escape the match and began the cloture process. After another day of non-stop wrestling, the majority had gathered enough petitions to proceed with cloture, and after two more days a 3/5 vote ended the filibuster. The bill passed soon after.

Unfortunately, the Barbarian House and Senate did not have identical versions of the bill. A Conference Committee of both Chambers was formed to iron out the differences, specifically the size and number of battle-axes allowed per person in public. Once an agreement was made (maximum of six feet tall, two feet wide, three per person), the bill finally made its way to a very angry Conan the Politician.

Conan vetoed the bill the moment it hit his desk, sending it back to Congress with a note that said, “Don’t you know I love my sword? Oh, and I’ll eat your children if I ever hear of this bill again.” Conan thought the hint was clear, and he never imagined he would hear of such a weapons bill again.

But Conan failed to recognize that he was becoming just the type of despot he had fought so hard to eradicate from Cimmeria. Congress noticed, and with a 2/3 vote overrode Conan’s veto.

Conan’s rage was terrible, his vengeance swift. Congress in its entirety was wiped from the face of Cimmeria, and Conan wandered the land like a brooding beast. Conan the Politician was no more, but the legend of Conan the Barbarian was just beginning…

Apr. 29, 2011 • fiction humor