October 2007

Tribune Executives Applaud Cubs' Poor Play

Calling Lou Piniella “the greatest manager this Earth has ever seen,” Tribune Co. executives praised the Chicago Cubs in a written statement for their foresight and lackluster performances during the first two games of the Cubs’ NLDS matchup with the Arizona Diamondbacks. The statement, titled “Thank You, Lord, For Your Eternal Blessings And Lou Piniella,” was released on the Tribune Co. website late Friday night, and as a full-page letter in Saturday’s Chicago Tribune.

“We, the upper management at Tribune Co. who, in turn, represent the sentiments of everyone involved with our organization, would like to take a moment to thank the Chicago Cubs for being such a brilliant light amongst the dim-witted minds of traditional and lesser baseball men,” the statement reads. “Those foolish simpletons believe losing the first two games of a five-game series to be the worst possible scenario, a situation so dire as to quash the hopes of even the most faithful followers.”

“And we must admit, Lou and company, that at first we, too, were overwhelmed with grief and anger firmly aimed at your poor play. We asked ourselves, ‘Why should we be forsaken now? This season had been filled with so many blessings — chiefly among them the Milwaukee Brewers — why should they stop coming now, when we need them most?’

“But then, after a good night’s sleep and much thought, it occurred to us: This is Lou Piniella we’re dealing with, the man who took the Cubs from worst to first in a single year. Surely he must be planning something. And how right we were. We’ve finally unraveled your plot, a plan so dastardly that even we would never have dreamed it up!

“By losing the first two games of the series, you haven’t put yourself in the worst possible position, as the weak-minded fools would have you believe — in fact, you’ve put yourself in the best position possible! By losing two games in Arizona, you’ll now have to play two games at Wrigley, which means thousands of dollars, nay, millions, in extra revenue! Had you taken the easy path and won the first two, as a lesser team would, you would have only played one game at Wrigley, cutting the potential extra revenue in half!

“But you didn’t stop there. You’ve set yourself up for one of the greatest comebacks in history — from the brink of elimination to glory! Oh, the marketing goodness! Such a comeback would mean innumerable amounts of attention, which spreads the brand, raises TV ratings, sells more merchandise… Oh, we’re shaking with excitement! What a way to spend our last year as owner — with tons of money! And just imagine how much greater the second- and third-round comebacks will be. From three games down to victory, twice! Your names will surely be remembered for all time. Imagine the publicity, the euphoria, the MONEY!!!

“You truly are a brilliant bunch, and we all applaud your efforts. Lou, your legendary status as one of mankind’s greatest thinkers is all but attained. Now, with all of that meticulous planning and the first stage of implementation out of the way, all you’ve got to do is win. And that should be easy, almost too easy, in comparison.


Oct. 6, 2007 baseball cubs humor sports